Why Men in the Church Keep Their Secrets part 3

Now, I must state this...I can't imagine the torture that so many church leaders have had to endure in their struggle to find the best answer when ambushed with a situation like that mentioned above. I've talked with such leaders. There's insomnia, depression, they can't eat, and their families see the pain associated with the "loss" of a friend. For so long, this brother (who was caught in sin) was known as a certain kind, thoughtful, and generous man, and now these church leaders feel betrayed. Great times were shared with lots of laughter and joy. But now the leaders know a different man. This brother has been fooling them all. As the shock of the realness of the situation begins to wear off, bitterness and anguish begins to set in. And the last thing they want for the rest of their congregations is for them to feel what the leadership is feeling...fear and anger.

I would like to break here and open this blog up for your comments. Have you been a leader in a church that has had to deal with a sinning brother like this? Have you been a brother that has been dealt with by your church leaders? Are you the wife of such a one? A son or daughter? What do you think the restoration process for a sinning brother within the local church should look like?

Share with me your story. So many churches just are equipped to handle ambushes like this. I believe we all have something to learn.

Why Men in the Church Keep Their Secrets part 2

So, you're a guy who struggles with porn. In your church, another fella was caught in a sexually-related sin that started with porn addiction, and his church leaders thought it would be best if this fella would just leave. You know you need help, but now there is no way you would ever seek help from your church.

Or, maybe your church seems to have just swept the issue under the rug. Nothing was done to help the guy who fell. Everyone just continues on in church life like nothing ever happened. Either way, you aren’t getting help, because this guy never got it! What motivation you might, at one time, had in telling someone in your church your struggles has just vanished.

WHAT?! If the church isn't the place to free folks from the power of sin, then what is? Professional counselors are needed. I’ve needed them. But I’m convinced that if the local church ever became what she has been called to be, then many professional counselors could be out of a job.

Ministry is people. I really like this passage from Matthew 9:

³⁷Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few. ³⁸Therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.”

The harvest to which Jesus was referring was apparently lost Jewish people who had come to hear Him. What a plea from the Savior for us to pray to the Father to send out laborers to spread the good news of salvation! Yet, there is another principle in this passage from which we can take. It shows the compassion that Jesus has for people in general. The verses just before this recalls Jesus being overcome by emotion when He saw His hurting people.

There is a vast harvest in our churches today. A big part of this harvest contains Christian men who are on the road to destruction. We need laborers who are compassionate as Jesus is—compassionate enough to enter the world of these men and offer hope, peace, direction, and help them see the way out of their darkness. The Church needs laborers who have removed their fake masks and let others see them for who they really are—warts and all. For we all are stupid. But we are all precious. Christian men must see one another for who we really are. We must bring up the obvious and deal with it. But it begins with you. Someone in your church needs to champion this cause. Someone needs to be passionate about people like Jesus is, and begin this phenomenal thing called fellowship. Would it be right for this “someone” to be a pastor, elder, deacon, or some other church leader? I reckon so.

…to be continued…again.

(Look for my new book Journey to Freedom: The Pursuit of Authentic Fellowship Among Men, coming out soon!)

Why Men in the Church Keep Their Secrets part 1

The Apostle Paul wrote to the Galatians: "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load." (6:1-5 NIV)

I have known many Christian men who have fallen into sexual sins. They've been caught. They've been confronted. They've confessed. They've repented. And then...they were removed. That's right...removed from fellowship--shunned as a tax collector. Some were told that they are not allowed to come back until further notice. Some were just "put into the church corner" to suffer consequences. All the while, countless other Christian men in these churches are struggling with the same sins, or are quickly on their way to its destruction.

Think with me...you're a guy who is a part of a thriving church. You struggle weekly with viewing pornography on the internet. That stimulus has lost some effect, so you've been tempted to enter 24-hour video stores. You know very well where these activities would lead you. You know you need help, but to whom should you go? To whom should you tell your deep, dark secrets? Then, you receive word that another church member has been caught cheating on his wife. It comes out that his problem started (like most of these problems start) with viewing pornography. Astonishingly, you see how your church leadership handles this guy. They confront him. Then they tell him that he should stay away from the fellowship for a while. They communicate with him only through email. No one calls to check on him. No one seeks to restore him. No one seeks to care for his wife, or kids. Nothing is ever said about him anymore in the church. He's just ... gone.

Now, you're the guy struggling with porn, and you just witnessed all this. Then you think the obvious, "I need help, but there is no way I'm gonna tell anyone here!" And so, you keep your secrets, and fall further into the dark sin that has taken you captive.

Unfortunately, this is far too common in our churches today. I'm sure there are several reasons for this, but I have a theory. I'm convinced that churches in America today are striving to build their own empires. These empires must be well-greased machines that run smoothly with no hick-ups. The bottom line for these churches are programs that are successful at bringing in people. Money is the bottom line. A good-standing status in the community is the bottom line. All the cogs of this empire must continue to be working so well together. It has become powerful, untainted, unharmed, well-planned and executed. It has become an empire. And then, someone comes along and screws it all up.

Churches in America have lost this one profound principle: Ministry is people.

-to be continued.

The Alpha and the Stallion

They say to train a great stallion one must begin immediately after the horse is born. A halter is placed on it to teach it to lead, obey commands, and other necessary skills. He can’t be ridden until he’s three-years-old, or else his back will sway. Too much pressure at too early an age could cause harm. But as he grows, his bones strengthen and his muscles build and become solid. Stallions posses a certain male hormone called testosterone. This hormone can make these magnificent creatures unpredictable, hard to manage or handle, uncooperative and sometimes dangerous. But this is also what makes the stallion such a magnificent animal. When the stallion is well-trained by professionals, his ability for greatness increases dramatically. He is hard-wired to be this way.

They also say that there is always a pecking order in herds of horses. The stallion is the owner. The other horses are his. He protects them, watches over them, and keeps predators and other strange horses away. The rest of the horses trust him. There’s a special relationship between the stallion and his horses. He is, in essence, their leader.

But he is not the head leader.

The Alpha horse is the head leader. This horse is the one who guides and provides. Even the great stallion is submissive to the Alpha horse. This is dominance in its truest form. And dominance is all about wisdom for the Alpha. The stallion, along with all the other horses in the herd, look to the Alpha with great respect. It is truly amazing to see this beautiful order work among a herd of horses.

If the stallion isn’t cooperating with the Alpha, he can’t lead effectively. If he can’t lead well, danger which lurks in the shadows can overrun the herd. Some could get hurt, or even die. Yet, when humility combines with wisdom, something spectacular occurs…fulfillment for the stallion and security for the herd. All it takes is respect for the Alpha.

My friends, can you see it? Can you see the beautiful picture I’ve painted for you? There are true characters on this canvas.

Can you feel it? Can you feel the energy the stallion possesses as he submits to the Alpha? There’s no one greater. The stallion needs the Alpha. The Alpha works through the stallion. It’s a wonderful partnership—a partnership for life.

Brothers, we are called to lead--lead our wives and children, lead in our churches, lead in our society. Who else better to lead than Christian men who are standing on the truth...who are in tune with our Alpha (and Omega)...who are dedicated to integrity. If we don't lead, think of who will. And if we aren't cooperating with the Alpha, someone could get hurt. It could be us, or our wives, or our children, or our churches. Truth is, it would be all of the above.

However, when we submit to the Alpha, when humility combines with wisdom, nothing but good comes of it. There's safety, harmony, trust, security, significance, honesty, peace, adequacy, joy, happiness. What a place to lead into?!

I write this, my brothers, ...

...because YOU are the stallion.

What is Authentic Fellowship?

Church is people. Plain and simple.

But I think something is missing from many churches. Seems as though several local churches have become local institutions. Some are academic institutions, some are social institutions, some are just existing. I think that people are missing out on something. I think men in the Church are missing out on something. The bottom line for the Church is people. Plain and simple. The top goal for the Church is to glorify God, and this is done when the Church realizes that it's about people. Ministry is people.

And men are people. But many men are missing. Some are there, but still missing.

I’m convinced that God has created something very special for His people that is very often misunderstood. I believe Christian men are missing this. I believe this special thing attracts men, and it keeps men. It upholds men—enabling us to stand up tall when emotions are down. It ties a tight bond around us that is permanent. Its bond is strong and thick. It protects. It never yields. It never fails.

Its pillars are togetherness, not separateness; godly love, not hate; edification, not tearing down; individuality and unity, not legalism, nor division. It is deep, not shallow. Purposeful, not accidental. Mostly hard to accomplish, not easy. But its foundation is the Savior, and its finishing touches are maximized joy! Its name is Fellowship. And we must have it, for without it, we will die.

Christian men are dying. Slowly, but surely.

Fellowship is misunderstood in many churches. I've witnessed it. Planned fellowship within a local church tends to involve casual discussions regarding day-to-day events, some prayer time, and the study of doctrine. Are these things wrong? No, but I don't believe this is fellowship. I don’t believe folks intend to keep fellowship in its shallow state. I’m convinced that we haven’t been taught the true meaning of biblical fellowship, nor have we been shown what it looks like. It is my opinion that there is a lack of biblical fellowship, and Christian church-going men are suffering the consequences. iMetochoi Ministries exists to challenge Christian men to become partakers of Christ together. This involves biblical fellowship. It belongs in the family and in the Church. We must declare God’s view of fellowship from His word and show its brilliant colors in the ministries of our churches.

Our New Testament English word fellowship comes from the Greek word koinonia. In its basic form, the word means “the act or condition of sharing something in common.”[1] It is translated in various passages as contributing (giving), sharing, participation, and fellowship. So the word has with it the connotation of giving toward someone the thing(s) they need, whether it be experiences, undertakings, or possessions.

Probably the most famous passage that deals with fellowship is in 1 John 1,

¹That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, concerning the Word of life—²the life was manifested, and we have seen, and bear witness, and declare to you that eternal life which was with the Father and was manifested to us—³that which we have seen and heard we declare to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ.

The Apostle John made his point that his letter was about fellowship. This wasn’t ordinary fellowship—but fellowship with him and the other apostles and with God. According to John, he was in deep, intimate fellowship with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ. Notice the pattern in verse one: we have heard, …seen …, …looked upon …, handled. Each word used becomes more intense. John and the other apostles heard the life (Jesus), they saw Him, they looked upon (literally, gazed intensely), and their hands have actually touched Him. No wonder these apostles have such an intense, intimate fellowship with God! They grew closer and closer to Jesus as they spent time with Him. They watched with awe the many miracles Jesus performed. Their eyes gazed upon Him at His transfiguration! They were glued to Him at His resurrection! They touched His glorified body! They witnessed His ascension! All the while, they grew more in love with their Savior—they became intensely connected emotionally, spiritual, and mentally.

The principle I get out of this pattern is that fellowship occurs when we grow closer to the individual with whom we already have a relationship. There is the aspect of quality time spent with this individual. The purpose of this time is to give to one another, share with one another, and participate in the lives of one another.

Yet, notice that in verse 3, John uses only two of the four words from verse 1, seen and heard. The reason is obvious when understanding John’s main point—fellowship. Only the apostles spent time with Jesus, i.e., gazed intensely upon Him. Only the apostles were close enough and intimate enough to touch Him. I can only imagine that when John wrote that part he thought of times when he laid his head on the chest of His Messiah! No one can explain moments like that. No one else had experiences like these. Only the apostles.

I believe John experienced biblical fellowship with Jesus because Jesus made it His priority to get into the life of John and the other disciples. Fellowship takes initiative. It makes people a priority.

I believe Christian men crave true, biblical fellowship. I'm one of them. It is my opinion that when we grasp the fact that ministry is people, we would pursue biblical fellowship. I think fellowship motivates men to be a part of church life. It gives them a connection, a sense of belonging and acceptance, and it brings healing, warmth, depth, and wholeness to individuals within the body. Biblical fellowship is not passive, but active. It takes initiative. If Bob is an uninvolved member of his church, George doesn’t wait for Bob to come to him for fellowship, George goes to Bob. The love of Christ takes first initiative (1 John 4:10).

A wise man once said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” I’m convinced Christian men are missing out on true, biblical fellowship. Men need to get into the lives of each other. We need to know that we all struggle with the same things--different degrees of it, but the same things. We need each other. We need fellowship.

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[1] Dunn, James D. G., Word Biblical Commentary, Romans 9-16 38B, Word Books, Dallas, pp. 874-75.

Why iMetochoi Ministries?

This is about Christian men. But the ladies should read it, too.

I grew up in a Christian home. My dad has always been my biggest supporter, best friend, spiritual leader, and qualified authority figure. He has poured his life into me. He entered my world. We have experienced intimate fellowship with each other. It wasn’t always perfect, but was just what I have needed to keep me on track. I wasn’t always perfect, either. But God used my dad to instill in me the characteristics of a godly man. He didn’t just tell me how to live godly, he showed me how.

God has blessed me beyond measure through my parents. My mom and dad made home life warm, welcoming, loving, caring, and uplifting. Dad tells me, even today, that he’s my biggest fan, and by his actions, I believe it. When I did well, I was praised. When I screwed up, I was gently and firmly disciplined. I couldn’t lie to my parents. The times I did only lasted for a while, and were followed by confession. I believe one reason I had a hard time lying is because my parents built a solid, healthy relationship with me. I hated to hurt them. I knew I could always talk to them about anything. I knew I could always talk to my dad about the things with which guys struggle. I still do today.

Dad taught me many things over the years: perseverance, integrity, compassion, humility. He taught me how to love God, how to love others, how to love my wife, and how to love my children. But one thing that has always stuck deepest within my heart is the one thing that supports those characteristics. Dad taught me the importance of accountability. As long as I can remember, he has asked me questions. He has always wanted to know my thoughts, my dreams, and my ambitions. I don’t remember a time when his only question was, “How are you doing?” He has always wanted to know why. Dad knew me because it was his passion to do so. And my mom has always been as eager to know me as dad has been. She has been the rock in my life—unwavering and unshakeable. My dad continues on his quest to know me more even to this day, and the result is intimacy with my heavenly Father. In fact, I am experiencing intimate fellowship with my heavenly Father today, because I have experienced intimate fellowship with my earthly father throughout my life. Dad showed me what biblical fellowship is—what it looks like, what it feels like. Now, as an adult, I am able to sharpen him as he sharpens me. He taught me how to do so.

Growing up with this kind of dad, with these kinds of fellowship experiences, has created a passion within me to be authentic with other Christian men. Second to the family, there is no better place where this genuine fellowship must be experienced than within the Church. Yet, my experience with men’s ministries in the local church has been far from what I’m convinced God desires it to be. I know many Christian men who were leaders, several of them pastors, in local churches—strong, Bible-believing, solid doctrinal-teaching churches—who have fallen far enough into the sins that tempt all Christian men so that they have lost their positions as leaders and pastors. Something isn’t working. Something needs to be fixed.

As I am writing this, I am sitting in a restaurant waiting for a good friend to go on his break so we can visit. He was once a leader in a church. He had a marvelous ministry. He has a beautiful wife and three wonderful children. Now, he works the drive-through window of this restaurant. He chose to work here when he chose to fall into temptation. As Steve Farrar put it in his book Finishing Strong, my friend’s sin took him farther than he wanted to go, kept him longer than he wanted to stay, and cost him more than he wanted to pay. My heart very deeply feels two things: I am incredibly broken over his crisis, and am truly frightened because it could very well be me. I love my friend very much and am so moved to walk by his side through the tough times he has ahead. The sadder thing is that he is just one who got caught. He has repented and is growing more in his relationship with Jesus and with his wife and children. However, there are many Christian men who have not been caught…yet. They are sinking deeper and deeper in the misery that their sin brings. They long for freedom, and they know from where it comes. Yet, to remove their cover and let someone see them as they really are would cost them more than they were prepared to pay when they first entered this journey toward destruction. They are torn with a decision: tell all and suffer, or continue in sin and suffer. They know that to tell would lead ultimately to freedom, and to continue in sin would lead ultimately to more destruction. But at least the sin is somewhat fun. Many men who have fallen have told me that they wanted to get caught. They just couldn’t hold up anymore underneath the heavy load of sin and deception. Our Christian men—dads, husbands, elders, deacons, Sunday school teachers, pastors, worship leaders, youth pastors, ushers, old men, young men—are bombarded with the temptation to dive into the sin that seems to pursue us all. And many Christian men have endured the train wrecks that their sin always, always brings. Our men need help. We need to enter each other’s worlds!

So the Church of Jesus Christ has the opportunity, but men’s ministries usually consist of coffee, donuts, a special speaker giving a devotion, sharing prayer requests regarding other people’s problems, and a few leading in prayer. While relationships are being built, something is lacking. Why are we surprised when another man falls? There seems to be a lack of genuine fellowship and authentic accountability. I’m convinced that relationship with fellowship tends to lead to true accountability. We may know each other, but let’s be honest. We really don’t know each other, do we? Think about a man in your church. You might know his name. You might know his wife’s name—perhaps even the number of children he has. What about his personality and characteristics? What are his pet peeves? What does he struggle with the most? Does he feel alone in his struggles? Is he pursuing the “other woman”? Is he indulging in pornography? Or is he neglecting his family because of the pursuit of money or position? Is he experiencing intimacy with the Father? Is someone there to help him when he fails? Is there someone to praise him when he excels? Are there other men actively showing him how to live godly? Are the men in your church actively entering each others’ worlds? Are the Christian men in your church truly sharpening each other with the word of God, or is it just another social club that meets once, or twice a month? Guys don’t talk about these things, but it’s high time we begin.

I believe we should and could have churches where we, men, are trained and encouraged to be the spiritual leaders in our homes, in our churches, and in our work places. We should and could have churches where the men’s ministries are focused on authentic relationships, real fellowship, and true accountability. This doesn’t come easily for us. What does this look like? How do we establish this kind of ministry?

iMetochoi Ministries exists to be a league of men dedicated to honor the Father with our lives. We are The League of Metochoi who recognize our imperfections, realize God’s grace, and receive God’s power to together become the spiritual leaders of our homes, our churches, and our work places. We challenge men to get on the frontlines of the battle for our families, for our churches, for our Savior. Together, we will sharpen, encourage, exhort, confront, and challenge each other to know God more and experience His power in our lives. We desire to challenge Christian men to become partakers of Christ together—to become His metochoi.