Why Men in the Church Keep Their Secrets part 1

The Apostle Paul wrote to the Galatians: "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load." (6:1-5 NIV)

I have known many Christian men who have fallen into sexual sins. They've been caught. They've been confronted. They've confessed. They've repented. And then...they were removed. That's right...removed from fellowship--shunned as a tax collector. Some were told that they are not allowed to come back until further notice. Some were just "put into the church corner" to suffer consequences. All the while, countless other Christian men in these churches are struggling with the same sins, or are quickly on their way to its destruction.

Think with me...you're a guy who is a part of a thriving church. You struggle weekly with viewing pornography on the internet. That stimulus has lost some effect, so you've been tempted to enter 24-hour video stores. You know very well where these activities would lead you. You know you need help, but to whom should you go? To whom should you tell your deep, dark secrets? Then, you receive word that another church member has been caught cheating on his wife. It comes out that his problem started (like most of these problems start) with viewing pornography. Astonishingly, you see how your church leadership handles this guy. They confront him. Then they tell him that he should stay away from the fellowship for a while. They communicate with him only through email. No one calls to check on him. No one seeks to restore him. No one seeks to care for his wife, or kids. Nothing is ever said about him anymore in the church. He's just ... gone.

Now, you're the guy struggling with porn, and you just witnessed all this. Then you think the obvious, "I need help, but there is no way I'm gonna tell anyone here!" And so, you keep your secrets, and fall further into the dark sin that has taken you captive.

Unfortunately, this is far too common in our churches today. I'm sure there are several reasons for this, but I have a theory. I'm convinced that churches in America today are striving to build their own empires. These empires must be well-greased machines that run smoothly with no hick-ups. The bottom line for these churches are programs that are successful at bringing in people. Money is the bottom line. A good-standing status in the community is the bottom line. All the cogs of this empire must continue to be working so well together. It has become powerful, untainted, unharmed, well-planned and executed. It has become an empire. And then, someone comes along and screws it all up.

Churches in America have lost this one profound principle: Ministry is people.

-to be continued.

The Alpha and the Stallion

They say to train a great stallion one must begin immediately after the horse is born. A halter is placed on it to teach it to lead, obey commands, and other necessary skills. He can’t be ridden until he’s three-years-old, or else his back will sway. Too much pressure at too early an age could cause harm. But as he grows, his bones strengthen and his muscles build and become solid. Stallions posses a certain male hormone called testosterone. This hormone can make these magnificent creatures unpredictable, hard to manage or handle, uncooperative and sometimes dangerous. But this is also what makes the stallion such a magnificent animal. When the stallion is well-trained by professionals, his ability for greatness increases dramatically. He is hard-wired to be this way.

They also say that there is always a pecking order in herds of horses. The stallion is the owner. The other horses are his. He protects them, watches over them, and keeps predators and other strange horses away. The rest of the horses trust him. There’s a special relationship between the stallion and his horses. He is, in essence, their leader.

But he is not the head leader.

The Alpha horse is the head leader. This horse is the one who guides and provides. Even the great stallion is submissive to the Alpha horse. This is dominance in its truest form. And dominance is all about wisdom for the Alpha. The stallion, along with all the other horses in the herd, look to the Alpha with great respect. It is truly amazing to see this beautiful order work among a herd of horses.

If the stallion isn’t cooperating with the Alpha, he can’t lead effectively. If he can’t lead well, danger which lurks in the shadows can overrun the herd. Some could get hurt, or even die. Yet, when humility combines with wisdom, something spectacular occurs…fulfillment for the stallion and security for the herd. All it takes is respect for the Alpha.

My friends, can you see it? Can you see the beautiful picture I’ve painted for you? There are true characters on this canvas.

Can you feel it? Can you feel the energy the stallion possesses as he submits to the Alpha? There’s no one greater. The stallion needs the Alpha. The Alpha works through the stallion. It’s a wonderful partnership—a partnership for life.

Brothers, we are called to lead--lead our wives and children, lead in our churches, lead in our society. Who else better to lead than Christian men who are standing on the truth...who are in tune with our Alpha (and Omega)...who are dedicated to integrity. If we don't lead, think of who will. And if we aren't cooperating with the Alpha, someone could get hurt. It could be us, or our wives, or our children, or our churches. Truth is, it would be all of the above.

However, when we submit to the Alpha, when humility combines with wisdom, nothing but good comes of it. There's safety, harmony, trust, security, significance, honesty, peace, adequacy, joy, happiness. What a place to lead into?!

I write this, my brothers, ...

...because YOU are the stallion.

What is Authentic Fellowship?

Church is people. Plain and simple.

But I think something is missing from many churches. Seems as though several local churches have become local institutions. Some are academic institutions, some are social institutions, some are just existing. I think that people are missing out on something. I think men in the Church are missing out on something. The bottom line for the Church is people. Plain and simple. The top goal for the Church is to glorify God, and this is done when the Church realizes that it's about people. Ministry is people.

And men are people. But many men are missing. Some are there, but still missing.

I’m convinced that God has created something very special for His people that is very often misunderstood. I believe Christian men are missing this. I believe this special thing attracts men, and it keeps men. It upholds men—enabling us to stand up tall when emotions are down. It ties a tight bond around us that is permanent. Its bond is strong and thick. It protects. It never yields. It never fails.

Its pillars are togetherness, not separateness; godly love, not hate; edification, not tearing down; individuality and unity, not legalism, nor division. It is deep, not shallow. Purposeful, not accidental. Mostly hard to accomplish, not easy. But its foundation is the Savior, and its finishing touches are maximized joy! Its name is Fellowship. And we must have it, for without it, we will die.

Christian men are dying. Slowly, but surely.

Fellowship is misunderstood in many churches. I've witnessed it. Planned fellowship within a local church tends to involve casual discussions regarding day-to-day events, some prayer time, and the study of doctrine. Are these things wrong? No, but I don't believe this is fellowship. I don’t believe folks intend to keep fellowship in its shallow state. I’m convinced that we haven’t been taught the true meaning of biblical fellowship, nor have we been shown what it looks like. It is my opinion that there is a lack of biblical fellowship, and Christian church-going men are suffering the consequences. iMetochoi Ministries exists to challenge Christian men to become partakers of Christ together. This involves biblical fellowship. It belongs in the family and in the Church. We must declare God’s view of fellowship from His word and show its brilliant colors in the ministries of our churches.

Our New Testament English word fellowship comes from the Greek word koinonia. In its basic form, the word means “the act or condition of sharing something in common.”[1] It is translated in various passages as contributing (giving), sharing, participation, and fellowship. So the word has with it the connotation of giving toward someone the thing(s) they need, whether it be experiences, undertakings, or possessions.

Probably the most famous passage that deals with fellowship is in 1 John 1,

¹That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, concerning the Word of life—²the life was manifested, and we have seen, and bear witness, and declare to you that eternal life which was with the Father and was manifested to us—³that which we have seen and heard we declare to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ.

The Apostle John made his point that his letter was about fellowship. This wasn’t ordinary fellowship—but fellowship with him and the other apostles and with God. According to John, he was in deep, intimate fellowship with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ. Notice the pattern in verse one: we have heard, …seen …, …looked upon …, handled. Each word used becomes more intense. John and the other apostles heard the life (Jesus), they saw Him, they looked upon (literally, gazed intensely), and their hands have actually touched Him. No wonder these apostles have such an intense, intimate fellowship with God! They grew closer and closer to Jesus as they spent time with Him. They watched with awe the many miracles Jesus performed. Their eyes gazed upon Him at His transfiguration! They were glued to Him at His resurrection! They touched His glorified body! They witnessed His ascension! All the while, they grew more in love with their Savior—they became intensely connected emotionally, spiritual, and mentally.

The principle I get out of this pattern is that fellowship occurs when we grow closer to the individual with whom we already have a relationship. There is the aspect of quality time spent with this individual. The purpose of this time is to give to one another, share with one another, and participate in the lives of one another.

Yet, notice that in verse 3, John uses only two of the four words from verse 1, seen and heard. The reason is obvious when understanding John’s main point—fellowship. Only the apostles spent time with Jesus, i.e., gazed intensely upon Him. Only the apostles were close enough and intimate enough to touch Him. I can only imagine that when John wrote that part he thought of times when he laid his head on the chest of His Messiah! No one can explain moments like that. No one else had experiences like these. Only the apostles.

I believe John experienced biblical fellowship with Jesus because Jesus made it His priority to get into the life of John and the other disciples. Fellowship takes initiative. It makes people a priority.

I believe Christian men crave true, biblical fellowship. I'm one of them. It is my opinion that when we grasp the fact that ministry is people, we would pursue biblical fellowship. I think fellowship motivates men to be a part of church life. It gives them a connection, a sense of belonging and acceptance, and it brings healing, warmth, depth, and wholeness to individuals within the body. Biblical fellowship is not passive, but active. It takes initiative. If Bob is an uninvolved member of his church, George doesn’t wait for Bob to come to him for fellowship, George goes to Bob. The love of Christ takes first initiative (1 John 4:10).

A wise man once said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” I’m convinced Christian men are missing out on true, biblical fellowship. Men need to get into the lives of each other. We need to know that we all struggle with the same things--different degrees of it, but the same things. We need each other. We need fellowship.

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[1] Dunn, James D. G., Word Biblical Commentary, Romans 9-16 38B, Word Books, Dallas, pp. 874-75.